Dating in New York City is Shit: 6 Fundamentals of Dating (Part 1)


Dating in New York City is Dating in Hard Mode

Let’s be real for a moment.

You’ve had that thought, you and your friends have had that thought over drinks in a bar in New York City.

Hell I’ve had that thought.

If you’re in New York City and have a pulse, everyone’s had that thought.

Dating is shit.

It sucks. It’s horrible. And sometimes it’s hard to know if you’re making any headway, or if things are just going to continue being horrible.

That’s why in these next two videos, we’re gonna talk about the six fundamentals of dating. Six things that you need to cover as a baseline, as a foundation to having more success in dating and intimacy. 

Dating is shit, but you need to be on top of this shit in order to know where you’re going. You can use these six things to assess where you are in your dating journey, and where you should focus your energies.

This first post is going to focus on the personal things you can do, and in the second post, due out next week, we’ll focus on the external and interpersonal things you can do.

1. Get your shit together

Whether it’s getting your education or profession on track, you need to be working toward some goal. Something that not only pays the bills, but is a passion or at least a skill that you have. Now, of course, nobody is a finished product, but we should always be a work in progress.

This is a fundamental aspect of dating, because in order to meet people whose life trajectories either complement, or are in line with yours, you need to have some sort of trajectory as well. When people court one another and start building relationship, questions start to arise about how to build a life together. People start having those thoughts even before they have the actual conversation. So knowing that you are on some kind of trajectory, whether with work, or school, or even some art you’re creating, then becomes really important.

2. Do some fun shit

You can’t just collect a paycheck, you need to be involved in something outside of school or your job that brings some aliveness into your life. Things you like doing for leisure or self-improvement—whether that’s taking up a dancing class, going to the gym, or learning some new skill. These are things you can either share with someone, or that someone can appreciate because that’s what you like and are into! Also, engaging in fun shit is a good way to meet people. Especially like-minded people who might be into what you are into.

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3. Work on your shit—it might be getting in your way

To be fair, we all have hang ups, baggage and hurt that we bring to dating and relationships. Things that come from our past relationships, from traumatic experiences, to things that make us want to protect ourselves from future hurt. These patterns of thinking, feeling, and behavior grow and develop inside of us with the goal of keeping us safe physically as well as emotionally.

But sometimes, those same things start getting in the way of our ability to make a meaningful connection. We need to start identifying what it is we bring to dating and relationships that is holding us back, and take steps to work on those things—whether it’s through therapy, self-help, coaching, or what have you. This is an important place to start, because this is the piece that we need to work on, but also the one you can exert more control over.

The Endgame:

These are just three of the six fundamentals of dating, fundamentals you need to cover in order to begin having more success in dating and relationships. These first three focus on the things that you have the most direct control over.

Next week, we’re going to focus on things you may not have as much control over, but you can shift your mindset in how to deal with them, so you can have an easier time dealing with the horrible post-apocalyptic hellscape that is dating in New York City. We can’t make it any less apocalyptic, but at least we can go out there with some tools so we can not only survive, but thrive.

Daniel Gaztambide