Dating in New York City is Shit: 6 Fundamentals of Dating (Part 2)
This is part 2 of my brief video series, lovingly entitled
Dating in New York City is Shit: 6 Fundamentals of Dating
In my last video, we started talking about how dating in New York City is a horrible post-apocalyptic hellscape that slowly but surely eats away at your soul.
It’s ok. We’ve all been there.
We can’t make it not horrible, but we can make less horrible, maybe even not bad. And to help you on that journey, I’ve come up with 6 foundations you need to assess in your dating and relationship journey.
We covered the first three in the previous video, those focused on personal things you can look at to improve your dating success. Things that focus on enriching your life, so you can attract the person who’s the best fit for you.
We talked about getting our shit together, whether that’s with our education or work trajectory.
We talked about doing fun shit, because that exposes to other people who might like the shit that we’re into, while also giving us more dimensionality outside of our work.
And we talked about working on our shit, emotionally. Because sometimes, we bring stuff from the past into dating that, while intending to protect us from harm, can also get in the way of intimacy and making connections.
In this video, we’re gonna cover three things that involve our environment, and our mindset toward dating.
4. You have to meet people to meet people
I couldn’t think of a way to work shit into this one, so we’re just gonna run with it.
When some people think of going out and meeting people, they think almost exclusively of meeting people they can date and hook up with. Like your friend who always asks if there’s going to be be girls or guys at the party. Like that’s the one thing you’re going out for.
Dammit Luis, can’t we just enjoy the Botanical Gardens? Do we have to kick game at the Bronx Zoo? Can’t we just enjoy, plants and animals, and shit?
Sometimes just going out and meeting people, making friends, is perfectly fine. It should be an end unto itself. But in addition, the more we meet people, make friends, and expand our social circle, the more in turn we might be exposed to people we might find interesting, and who might show interest in us.
Having a wide and expanding social circle is often helpful, by sheer force of numbers, of giving us opportunities to meet people we might want to date.
I’m not saying cozy up to each new person saying “You’re my new best friend but—low key—I’m just trying to meet guys or gals.”
But, it is important to build our social network. It also further enriches a life that you would want to bring people into.
5. Let go of other people’s shit
Sometimes we attach ourselves to people who don’t value our time. Maybe they are not emotionally available, or maybe they are not that into you. Whatever the reason they give for what gets in the way, whether it’s work, or a previous relationship, or a hang up that keeps them from getting close to you, that’s their shit.
No amount of understanding, empathy, opportunities, or allowances will turn a turd into a prince or princess.
They might need to work on their own shit (see Number 1 in the previous video). They might need to work on that shit, on their own. And Godbless ‘em.
Sometimes we get it into our heads that we are somehow going to change the wrong person into the right person, by sheer force of will and self-help books.
The self-help books are not for trying to change the other person, they’re for you. That’s why it’s called self-help. This is why it’s really important to learn to let go of those people.
We think we can change them, but only end up wasting our time, when there’s plenty of other people who might be more available.
6. Remember: You ain’t shit
This one’s a bit harsh, but true. You’re likely going to get rejected. Depending on everything from your looks to the seasons and alignment of the stars, you may get rejected a lot.
Or just a little.
But as I’ve said in a previous post, rejection is a part of life, and just the same a part of dating.
That’s simply because there will be people, really a lot of people, who aren’t going to feel you that way. But by the same coin, there will be people for whom your face will hit exactly those buttons in their brain that’s going to make them go “Oh yes, I’m totally about this!” We need to be able to get out there and tolerate rejection, so that we’re able to put ourselves in front of the people that we’d want to connect with.
None of us are ever so special that we shouldn’t be subject to rejection at some point or time, and perhaps appropriately so. Keeping in mind that you’re not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea is really important.
Or as I like to put it, I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m some people’s cafecito.
For you, might be a shot of whiskey, or cup of noodles.
Whatever that is for you, figure it out, and don’t focus on those people who are obviously not gonna be into mint chocolate pistachios. Focus on the people who are.
Now I said we’d talk about six things, but I’m just going to throw a seventh thing in here, cause I feel like it.
7. Shit takes time
Sometimes we get frustrated because we might start going to the gym, pick up a new skill, or meet new groups of people, and dates magically aren’t suddenly falling on your head. Whatever changes we make in our lives, we need to make the change and then track the outcome over time, because it is going to take time.
Often times—forgiving the redundancy—we spend so much energy on the wrong things that we don’t make progress because we don’t have a sense of where we need to go. When we start making the changes that we need to make, we need to give it time in order for it to give fruit.
Assessing your dating basics
What I encourage you to do, is review each item in both posts and do a self-assessment:
To what extent do you do things in relationships that keep you at a distance from others?
To what extent do you need to sort out where you are in terms of your career, profession, or education?
To what extent do you need to get out more, and figure out what hobbies or things you’re into?
Do you need to expand your social circle, so you have the opportunity to meet more people in your life?
Do you have difficulty dealing with rejection and how it makes you feel?
Do you spend too much time trying to get close to the wrong people, those who show (through their behavior) that they are not ready or able to invest in you?
(Are you feeling impatient, and maybe need to give yourself more time?)
Look at each of these things, try to focus on at least one to work on in the next 3 to 6 months. The more energy we invest in working on ourselves, the more we create a life that the right person would want to be a part of.